Toxins

The truth is that I find myself soaking into the solitude that I am in, and am somehow loving it – maybe a bit too much. The drama that comes along with friendships, etc. can be a bit too tiring.

I will need to get out of friendships that I have been procrastinating about for a long time because of the toxins that come along with it. I have been saying it for years now, but I have finally come to peace that the individual may not be the problem, rather, the whole dynamics of how the friendship had developed, and what came out of it. The reasons for letting the friendship go completely is not meant to be vindictive in any way. But, the need for it is to let go of things that would have happened in the process. I am not sure if letting go of what had happened would work. A broken glass will never ever be the same again, and some cracks will never completely heal.

I have felt betrayed, yes. In some ways. More so, I have felt like an outcast because of my homosexuality. There are things that would be discussed, which I would have absolutely no idea whatsoever. There will be moments where what I say may not make any sense to them at all. Most of all, I do not think many people would understand the awkwardness of trying to find someone, at the age of 32, and is still a virgin. The whole incident with CJ has made a profound impact on me, and I am still not over it, unfortunately. To be met with such a reaction has now somehow created this fear in me. But that doesn’t matter, considering how negatively I have been with myself in terms of finding someone in the first place.

The last 2 weeks have been a struggle in terms of self confidence. It has been a struggle in terms of self validation. And it has been  a struggle to fit in. Things will get better for sure, but what I am not sure about is whether I will actually like the scope that I am doing at work. As of yesterday, I found myself getting annoyed (already) at what seems to be a convoluted and absolutely insane system of how these people do their thing. I got even more annoyed over the fact that people don’t actually give a shit. But hey, who am I to expect that much, right?

If there is one thing I have learnt in the last 12 days of being here, it is the fact that being alone for so long growing up, being bullied, being an outcast, all in the formative years, has equipped me more than sufficiently for the life that I have up here.

It may sound from the above that I am in an unhappy place, but truth is, I am in a space where I finally feel I am able to just sort my thoughts and feelings out. I am able to make certain decisions (and hopefully stick by them) about friends. I think, finally, I am in a space where I am letting healing begin again.

 

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