I did not expect myself to start blogging again, but I suppose some thoughts should be made public as it were, because who knows who would read this and gain something out of this silly lesbian engineer who just wants to find the right lady to settle with.
The last 3 months have been nothing less than crazy. To think that in December I had someone whom I thought I could spend a good portion of the rest of my life with break up with me for reasons that I still cannot and no longer want to comprehend. In January, I lost my job, together with another 400+ people on the power station that I thought was absolutely going to require a miracle to turn around. In January, I also got to know a few ladies on PinkSofa, and have been in and out of emotional rollercoasters with one in particular. In February, I got offered a couple of job interviews and jobs, and for now I have settled with one that will allow me to be rooted in Perth for a while. I also travelled a good portion of North WA, and would never trade that experience for anything in this world.
This year, so far, has been nothing less than amazing. But it does feel a bit empty inside. Perhaps this is one of those delayed effects of a breakup, and given the amount of excitement in my other areas of life like work, I have been feeling tired and exhausted. It feels very much as though I have just scrapped through everything by a thread, and I have been holding all these emotions on my shoulders and trying to manage them while everything is happening.
Not to mention that things at home are depressing more than ever, so having to cope with the negativity that comes out from here is something that I do not enjoy. I feel bad that I feel this way but the truth is that this home is not a home. I don’t feel like I can do whatever I want to, and I am constantly being monitored, even at the age of 32.
I really like this girl that I have started chatting to since January, and the truth is that she has done a 180 on me before, and I have the same fear that she will do the same again. There is a tendency for her to push people away. And sometimes, it does feel like she isn’t really putting in that effort that I am. I made the decision to drive to Gin Gin next weekend to see her for a meal and maybe to spend the night with her, and that to me, is somewhat a decision maker as to whether I would pursue things with her further because it really feels like a one-way street at the moment, and I am tired. It almost feels like I am just desperate for this to develop into something, when it has been a one-sided effort all along. This girl has made me cry once, and I cannot really allow her to make me cry again. I said something that I wasn’t very impressed with myself about, and I will need to get over that. In the mean time, I start work on Tuesday and I have a couple of catch-ups on Sunday which I am looking forward to. And I need to get work clothes tomorrow. Oh. The. Joy.
Unless things move with her efforts to see me, I cannot see any future with this girl, and I think I will need to pull myself out sooner rather than later. And, it hurts.