I have sacrificed a lot for this ‘search for the right one’ in the last year or so, and I think it is enough. I have thought to myself that there must be a certain sacrifice one needs to do before she finds the right one, but it’s actually a whole lot of crock.
People find people in the oddest ways, and here I am trying so hard to find it. To find that one to call my own and to call my love. I cannot help it if I am a hopeless romantic but I genuinely would love to find that one who can make my heart sing, and I can make theirs sing in harmony with mine.
I have found myself evolving into a person who has lost that center piece inside of her. The apparent search for love has done nothing but destroy certain bits and pieces that were holding her together as a person of integrity. A person of worth. A person of love even.
I suppose it doesn’t help to see other people having it good but comparisons should never be there in the first place if one is comfortable enough with oneself. That rude shock came like a tornado ripping through the brain.
The question of “what if I never find someone” will always buzz in the head, but again, the truth is that I cannot really control that. I try. But it just seems that there isn’t one. Not now anyway. Whatever that is happening at the moment is nothing less than a mess that I will need to resolve, but I don’t really want to jump the gun either. One thing JL said last night really did make a lot of sense even though it shouldn’t “Sometimes love is just not logcial”. Maybe love is never meant to be logical. It was never meant to make any sense to anyone. It sure doesn’t help being an engineer in that regard because anything remotely illogical will have a red flag.
I like this girl. But there is too much baggage. There is too little being said from her side of the fence. It is logically wrong. But yet, the heart strings get tugged whenever we do have a good time texting. She makes me as happy as she does make me feel sad. And that to me, is something I have yet to feel with anyone (RB would be the last one) since coming out. She pisses me off as much as she makes me happy. So what do I do? When someone has that sort of effect on you? And yet, she doesn’t say much. In fact she says very little. So I hardly know her. I can only trust that time will reveal more to me, and I will need to in turn learn to be patient.
And. There needs to be more #selflove.
In any case. This is enough. Enough trying to search for someone. Enough trying to get something out of nothing. Enough sacrifices. Enough intentional change.