I read this article from good ol’ Thought Catalog this morning and it resonated.
There was a lot in there that applied to me. A lot about the expectations of where I should really be by now, be it in my professional life, or even personally.
The last week has been a struggle without a doubt. The consistent bad sleeps every night has not helped with trying to get a clear head to know what to do, but as of yesterday, I felt this desire to just not bother about what to do anymore. I did tell myself, “let’s wait till the end of March” just to see what eventuates. However, it already feels like her interest is dwindling. And then the other questions of “should I just ask her and be done with it? Should I call and have a chat? Better still, should I suggest we meet halfway to sort this out?”. But I feel this sense of not wanting to bother, as much as I would like for it to be resolved.
The reality is that I do like her. The reality is that she is 450km away. The reality is that we are both not ready for a relationship. She has baggage she needs to sort out. And I have insecurities that I need to fix and I still need to heal from the stuff that I have been through in the last few years. The consistent play on my heart and mind from various people, even if they weren’t my partners, has done its damage, which I never healed properly from. And I acknowledge that. The reality is that if it’s not waiting for M and I to be ready, I do not want to be with anyone. Not now. I am no longer interested, as much as I would love someone in my life to call my own. I am not ready to give of myself only to be told that there is ‘no chemistry’. Or, be led on for months, only to be told, ‘I do not want to be the one to de-flower you’. Or to have bought a ticket to the East, only to be told ‘things aren’t gonna work out between us’. Because all those words have hurt, and I have managed so well to cover them up with temporary band-aids. Now that I have removed them, they feel raw. They feel painful.
I don’t know how things would pan out between M and myself. And right now, with work being nowhere near what I would like to be doing, I need to again find my feet again, readjust my life to suit living with my parents again. I have snapped at my mother so much in the last month that it is making me feel disgusted with myself. I need to find a happy medium so that she knows to allow me that space and to let me do what I do, and for me to also understand her concern and be aware of her broken heart.
I have chosen this path. But now, I need to trust in providence. I need to trust that the higher power above me, the one whom I call God, will lay the footpath for me to walk through. To heal. To live. To love. To let it happen. And just as well that this is Lent.