There is this stir in the heart about what is happening. I feel like I am still in control only because I haven’t exposed myself and my feelings. It’s the whole thing revolving getting to know a person. I haven’t met this one in the 3 months that I have been chatting to her. Obviously a lot more than usual now. But the matter of fact is that we seem to be keen and no one is really making that move. I can see it from her point of view. But I am too proud to do so now. And honestly a bit too scared of what that reaction would be. There is still that “what have you got to lose” in this whole thing but I really don’t want to ruin something that seems so nice and comfortable at the moment.

What if it becomes absolutely awkward when I ask her out and she rejects me and says “no let’s just be friends”. What happens then? I crawl back into my shell.

The idea of dating is still something I don’t know whether I am ready for. And more than anything it has made me realise how much the relationship (if it can even be called that) was a real one to speak of.

These mind games are pretty evil. But one must follow the heart and trust the gut.

For now the heart is willing, the gut is silent but the flesh is pretty damn weak.


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