It is not everyday that you find someone whom you seem to get along with, with absolute ease. There is nothing really holding back (well, other than the fact that you want to tell her that you wish you could hug and kiss her all day long) on your part, and it feels absolutely great when you chat with her. Hearing from her makes your heart leap for joy.
But after the first attempt of me flogging her off because I felt I was not ready for such intensity from her (and truth be told, I was chatting to another woman who seemed to click more with me at the time). And now the second attempt’s failed on my part because I have scared and freaked her out with the intensity of what we had, I feel like I am back at the starting line, and have to ‘court’ her all over again – so to speak.
It has been bothering me day and night, and thankfully there is work to thank for the distraction of another issue to hide this one. The truth is, without a damn doubt, I just need to suck it up, and stop being pathetic about this whole wait for her. I lack patience, and this is a clear testament for it. But also, there is a sense of needing to compare to other potential relationships around me, and the interactions that they go through – why is mine always so different? And then the brain keeps begging the question, “is she really worth the wait?”.
The answer? Yes. From past experiences, I have allowed myself to just be sucked into the vortex of quick, easy “love”, one that speaks of initial infatuation with the lack of depth in communication, rather than one that speaks of actually getting to know each other.
The anxiety kills, but as eluded before in the past, there is an absolute sense of security with her that I feel, unlike any others. Perhaps this respect that’s built into trust has aided in it all. Perhaps it’s because she’s actually stuck around – she wants to make it work. And as cliche as it might sound, absence does make the heart grow fonder, and I find myself enjoying and treasuring my conversations with her a lot more. I have my wishes of being able to just call her “Darling”, and “Sweetie”, as we have done before, but really, her feeling comfortable is more important than me needing to express my love for wordy affections. I only look forward to that day when I can use them without limitations.
There is maturity in this that I am learning heaps about, but by the same token, I am cautious that her fears will overpower her desire to just leap in a little more, and let me show her that I can catch her when she falls, and I am not the same jerk her ex was. I can be trusted. I can be relied upon. I can rise to the occasion. I want to keep her warm.
But for now, patience.