I went to church for the first time in about 6 – 8 months yesterday. And this was after a bit of a mental meltdown the night before. It all came crashing on me, and it dawned on me that the invisible pressure that I have been feeling, and placing on myself had taken its toll. It’s taken its toll not only on me, but also on my self confidence, and my drive for life and what I want to do for myself.
And yet again, it is the one God and the one faith that I have been brought up with, which has given me that little kick in the butt that I needed. The kick that woke me up to say “get movin’ on your own life, and you will see you can still have that relationship that you want”.
In feeling the pressures from the family regarding dating a mother, and dating someone who’s intending to have another really soon (and I mean really really soon), I broke down being really hurt that my own mother did not seem to understand about the support that I needed. And so Jeremiah 29:11 just decided to plant itself in my head, and it’s been with me ever since.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I had no idea what this meant because I wondered, “what plans??”. So I just let it sit in the corner of my mind. And whilst having a mental breakdown, and after being calmed down by the girlfriend who has shown nothing but absolute patience with me through this silly-ness of mine, I went to church asking God that I was casting all my cares onto Him. And what happens? The homily was about love – my absolute favourite topic. No joke.
What sparked interest was that the priest said “Love is not that simple when it comes to Christ. It is not about a simple love. It is about a sophisticated love. A love that is educated and calculated, just like how St John did when He stood by Christ when Christ was being crucified”.
It is about a sophisticated love.
All along in this life, I had thought that love was really quite simple. It was simply, loving. But I had never really heard of the word love described with the term sophisticated, calculated even. But it does make some form of sense. The sophistication and calculation spoken about, is not what we might actually be thinking – in a pessimistic way. The sophistication and calculation comes from the thoughts of what would be best to express this love that we have deep in our hearts for the people and the things we love. That is the sophistication. Let’s not love foolishly, because fools rush in. Let’s love with sophistication, so that we love with reason, motivating others, and ourselves, in the love that we give.
And as I attempted to catch up on my studies for Life Coaching yesterday, I was drawn to how the topics I was studying was relating to my life at the moment. From the realm of trust, to the realm of values, it all started to click in my head. And as I studied, I listened to Spotify (as you do when you’re studying), and the song “Psalm 91” came up – by Shane & Shane.
Ultimately, I was relying on myself too much. I do have trust issues, i.e. I find it very difficult to trust others. But the matter of truth is that I had forgotten to trust my own faith, and to trust the God whom I believe in to take care of me. The same God who’s always come through for me in my darkest times. Always. Never failing me. Giving me consistency that comes with maintaining trust. I forgot to trust my own faith. And… I forgot myself. I had put this one person whom I’m so very in love with on a pedestal and everything didn’t matter besides her happiness. And her happiness still does matter to me, but it is no longer in that foolish manner. I want to love her with sophistication.
And I will trust my faith. And I will trust the God (Psalm 91) who will show the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11). And as of today, I am already feeling the difference of having all of the above happen over the span of 2 weeks.