An attachment destroys your capacity to love.
– Anthony de Mello, “Awareness”
I love this book. I have mentioned it time and time again. But the words in the book are so wildly profound that they are actually helping me through some of what has been pretty damn challenging times for me emotionally and mentally.
I cannot promise that my recent practising of his words is going to stick around, but I am certainly very keen on keeping this going for as long as I can. It comes really as part of CBT that I am trying to practise on myself. The ability to train your mind to behave and think in a different way by virtue of practising, and reminding yourself.
I had forgotten to love myself in the pursuit of what I thought was a love I had for my partner. I had forgotten that I, too, deserved love, and that there were some really good people who do love me, and are supporting me through anything that I might need to go through. I had started to form this attachment to this woman. I had started to become a bit blindsided to the fact that there were all these other things that I had planned before I had met her and that I still can and should pursue. A relationship involves compromises, yes, but it should never compromise your life. It should not compromise who you are as a person. You should not have to become a completely different person to be with someone else. You be yourself, and if there is love, it will flow, and it will flow in a manner that is natural. Or it should anyway.
What stops us from fully loving, is the fear of the unknown that the person loves us or still loves us. But does that matter, when none of that is really in our control? Easier said than done. I know. I know. Then one has to really ask the questions then, “why do you love this person?” … “do you love this person because you think he / she loves you back?”. Are you actually seeing the person for who he / she is, or who you think he / she is in the grand scheme of things? Deep inside us, when we form a feeling of love toward a person, let us remind ourselves why. Why did we start feeling this love? And what is it that keeps us going? Is it the expectation that the feeling we had felt initially would always be the same? And that we would want that reciprocation to be able to continue loving? How tiring is that!
Some sceptics would debate this entire thing as stupidity because nothing is free in this world. But what if it was? What if we all just put in a little effort in loving the person for who they are, regardless of the change we witness, rather than the image that we have of them at a specific point in time? We put so much expectation on our relationships, when our friendships and family connections are really borne out of the same love that we have each been instilled to give. What is it about a relationship that blind our sights from loving the same unconditional way?
I don’t really have the answers, because I am guilty of treating these differently too, but really all relationships in our lives should be treated with the same respect, the same trust, the same love. And I am attempting that. As much as I possibly can.
For now tho’, to you, who is reading this, soak in the memories of that point in time but don’t cling onto the moment. Don’t get stuck on any one note in the symphony of life. Let the orchestra play and let the score run. Only then, can you listen to the true magnificence of the music you’re creating.