Past

Some people are quite open about their past, and what’s happened. Others, not so. Some hide because they find it embarrassing, and some hide because they really don’t want to revisit those moments from the past because of the emotions it would probably trigger. But how important is it to know someone’s past and their decisions back then?

It is a genuine question because think about the number of times you have placed judgement on a person just based on what he / she has done in the past, with no regard of where that journey has taken them. And then you find yourself being clouded with fear and nonsensical thoughts about how genuine this person is because of something that you know, of which, just scratches the surfaces ever so briefly.

The person that you’re potentially dating, is right here. Right now. What’s happened in the past may have some form of impact on where you’d be going, without a doubt, but the question here is, “should you not be taking and appreciating this person for who they are in the present moment?”

Having someone’s past put you in a knot, is a flag worth noting. But the question also beckons “did you put yourself in this knot? Or were you influenced by others who had steered you towards this thought?”.

Discernment is difficult when one is in the situation. So be aware of everything around you. Notice the small things. Don’t ignore the big things. And then glide along.

And glide forward.

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Decisions

It never rains, but it pours. So I’ve heard. And it’s been the case for what seems to be a really intense 3 weeks of my life. I made decisions to take up Italian Language classes. And I have enrolled to be a Life Coach, and then I get an email that I have been waiting for a year for… an opening for the Air Traffic Controller traineeship, based in Melbourne.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

I have been re-evaluating my career path since running into this asshole of a client over the past 7 months, and life coaching seems to fit so well. And there’s been an amazing amount of support for this path too. But this is a very tough line to get the same pay. One can only hope that I could start this on the side, and work my way through. And this leaves me rooted to this city, which is something very attractive considering my current social situation.

The air traffic controller path would lead me down the path of working with the one vehicle that I have always loved since I was a kid – airplanes. I thought of being a pilot, but yeah nah. As the Australians would say.  This path brings good money, and would be something I’ve always wanted to do, but… I lose my social life. And potentially the chance  to settle down.

So what decision would you make?

  1. Money + Childhood Dream – Stability – Family Life
  2. Fulfilling Job + Stability + Family Life – Money – Comforts

And now you ask me, “what would make you happy?”

I’ve told myself that I would never allow money to be something that would be a factor to make me happy, but that would mean I give up my comforts. Can I? Would I?

I still believe in love. I still believe that love conquers all. But I also believe in the reality of our world, and that it does take more than just love to survive.

So what is the decision?

I. Don’t. Know.

Dynamics

What draws people to each other? And I’m not talking about a sexual attraction. What makes people friends? What connects them? What causes the dynamic of any friendship to blossom, or to die out for that matter? And do we find ourselves trying too hard sometimes, to be someone whom we’re not, in an effort to get more attention or affection from someone / people?

It all usually happens in the subconscious mind. And when one finally becomes aware of what is happening, then the question beckons “what exactly am I doing, and why?”. Perhaps it’s envy. Perhaps jealousy. Perhaps we’re just insecure in ourselves.

And whilst one might attribute this to something that happens during the adolescent years, it is very much something that happens in adulthood. And as we get older, it becomes mixed with all types of complications because you’re somehow expected to know what is right or wrong for yourself.

We’re all growing individuals. We never stop learning till the day we all say goodbye to the earth that we stand on. So don’t feel as though you’re slow. Don’t feel as though you’re the only one going through the myriad of emotions that you are. Because you’re not. As adults, we tend to become a little bit more cautious about our feelings, and exposing them. We become less likely to expose our vulnerability to others, because this vulnerability is precious. It is the very insight to our soul and the core of it.

As humans, we seek love. We seek attention in some form or another. But it is no good to us if we cannot first love ourselves. We need to understand the principles of human dynamics. Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to take to your style. Not everyone is going to have nice things to say about you. And that, is absolutely and utterly okay. Because they’re not you. They don’t know you. You know you. You know who you are as a person. You are not imposing any harm onto others (I would hope not), and you are not causing grief to others (again I hope not).

Human dynamics exist because we’re all different. We all have our own unique print. Be proud of that print. Be proud of who you are, and how far you’ve come. And never forget that our journeys are different. What you know now, maybe something someone else never knew about, and you can teach them that. Very much like how they can teach you something, which you never knew about. Be open to be inspired.

Self-Preservation

The idea of self-preservation can be seen in one of two ways:

  • Self-love
  • Selfish

I did something today that I wouldn’t really dare to do if it was me a few years ago. I did something that I used to consider in some ways selfish and cowardly even. I decided to block someone out of my life – i.e. she would have no means of contacting me using her existing / current number. And from where she stands, it would have happened without prior warning, or indication.

I chose this path because the events that have happened surrounding this one person and myself have caused a wide array of trust issues. I no longer trust the way I used to. I no longer see people the way I used to. Ultimately, circumstances and the lack of sufficient knowledge in coping have led me down this path of self-preservation, in an effort to protect the already fragile heart.

The idea of self-preservation, to me, therefore is one to allow myself to be able to continue believing in love. To be able to protect myself from the toxic elements that would otherwise drive me deeper down the path of a jaded mind. The idea of self-preservation, is one of self-love. Identifying that apparent cause of misery in the soul, and nipping it in the bud, even though it might be painful to do so, because it is in the very opposite nature of who you are.

Self-preservation can be a painful process, but more often than not, it is somewhat necessary. It helps to preserve the innocence and purity of love without further damage from the toxic / poisonous circumstances we find ourselves in.

And further to that, it is always surprising to realise how much one person can have a hold on you, even without trying. And the one thing I have learnt – the more you succumb to the little voices in your head to do the right thing by the person, sometimes, you really have to do the right thing by yourself, so that you don’t pierce that heart even more than it already is.

Self-preservation is necessary. Treat it with caution, and with care. But ultimately, preserve yourself for bigger opportunities to show and express your love – they are out there.

 

Repeat

There is one thing that has rung true with conversations I have had with a friend – we will keep facing similar situations until we truly learn the lessons that we are meant to. And whilst I am still figuring out what the actual lesson is, with this repeating situation I have been experiencing over the past 7 years or so, I feel like at least the maturity with age has helped with coping. Or so I think.

I suppose the little lessons of having a wall up, having some sort of coping mechanism to assist with the pain that you feel, and having a support group whom you trust are great, but finding the primary lesson, is what I am struggling a bit with.

There has been plenty of what-if’s forming in my head and at the end, the root, really is the fact that I allow myself to be too emotionally involved, even though I say I am not. When you spend so much time with a person, you inevitably give off of yourself bit by bit, without really realising. And then when it hits, it’s akin to a tsunami hitting you with a tonne of bricks following – just for effect.

And then you have to start patching your heart, bit by bit, stitch by stitch, whilst trying to maintain that facade of everything being okay.

Some people come into your lives and they leave footprints that you look back fondly on, even though they disappear over time. Some people storm into your lives, mess it up, and then leave a devastated mess that you clean up after. Some people waltz in, capture your soul, and leave you inspired to do greater things. Some others, you make a deliberate effort to bring into your life, show them that love conquers all, and you find yourself creating a black hole for yourself to fall in once you’ve pushed them up into the light.

And that last one, is usually what shatters the heart the most.

Here’s to finding that lesson with the life situations we have on repeat. And here’s to always finding the strength inside to love, and love more.

Goal Setting

I never used to be a goal setter, but I am starting to see the beauty and the wonders of setting goals for life, no matter how small they are.

It gives you something to look forward to, and it gives you something to work towards to, and depending on how ambitious you are, you may or may not set a deadline for yourself with each of those goals.

I wrote these little goals in a previous post which I am glad to say I have started working on:

  1. Buy a world map that I can pin places where I’ve been
  2. Sign up for Italian language classes
  3. Travel to the Uluru (26 October – 30 October 2017)
  4. Become a citizen by the end of this year (in progress)
  5. Save up for a new DSLR and get back into photography
  6. Do more e-colouring instead of being on the phone
  7. Attempt a small hike within WA alone.
  8. Draft up a travel bucket list

And note to self and all that the goals should really be for yourself, and no one else. Remember that in order to make others happy, one needs to be happy within him or herself. Self-love. And incidentally, I have just come across this.

So go ahead, set yourself a goal or two. Make them achievable. The sense of fulfilment will have you seeing life a little differently because all of a sudden, you have a purpose, you have direction, and most of all, you are working towards what makes you happy – and you will discover new things you never knew you had such passion and interests in.

And for this, I do have this one person to thank. Yes, I still think about her everyday. And miss her too.

Mourning

Whilst the topic may sound a bit morbid, it will touch on a few sensitive areas, which I believe us as humans, fail to speak up on, or well, the humans that I know anyway.

As much as we would like to deny, there is an element of mourning and a little part of us dies, whenever someone ever so close to us gets attached, and is committed to someone else.

Imagine the friend whom you could call on anytime, and is always up for the odd and random catch up over coffee, a meal or even over a drink, is now tied to a person and is no longer texting you the way he/she used to because there is someone else who’s taking up most of her time.

It’s sad. We all have to learn to accept that moment, and the one lesson for me, I believe, is not to feel bitter about the entire thing. Incidentally, this is the second time it’s happened to me, and it all clicked as I sat on my not-very-comfortable A330 Airbus plane seat, back home from a work trip, last night. Perhaps I have yet to learn something very important. Someone said to me the other day, “the same circumstances keep happening perhaps because God wants you to learn something from that, and until you do, it will keep happening.“. Oh. The. Truth.

Similar circumstances… ladies whom I’ve found such a connection with, shared and bared my heart and soul to, and in this case, even had plans to do so many different things together… and then they meet the ‘man of their dreams’. So to speak. And immediately after it happens, you get that sense of guilt that they seem to be feeling. They constantly ask if you are okay, and they constantly try to include you in things. But that doesn’t last long, because reality is that I am no one but a really good friend. As much as they would like not to ‘leave me behind’, they inevitably will, and that’s just he way the cookie crumbles.

It obviously doesn’t help that I am lesbian and I would have formed very soft spots for them over the time I had gotten to know them.

The basic truth and reality of friends is this – that they are friends. They aren’t our partners, not our lovers, not our better half. There is an innate difference when one is not committed to another. As friends, you can bail. Some don’t because of their sense of loyalty. Others, do. And this is not a bad thing, it is human nature. And it is also the (sometimes taken-for-granted) assumption that your friends will always be there, regardless. If shit hits the fan, friends will open their arms again. Good ones anyway, and if not, you get to make new ones.

Reality bites. But never has this head been so clear in a while.

Take the time to mourn if something as mentioned above happens to you. It is okay. Mourn the moments that you and that friend had together. Soak it all in. Be #grateful for them. And cry if you have to. After that, take a huge breath in…

And then let it out.

People come into our lives for various reasons. Some stay, and some, unfortunately, will go.

 

Self Discovery

After so many failed attempts at trying to find the one more actively than most, the last attempt seemed to have made me wander into the world of jaded mind. It certainly hasn’t helped with my mind always wandering back to an old flame, who hasn’t taken too much to my attempt to reconnect. I tried.

And so this opens up a lot that I had never really thought about before because I was so (for lack of a better word) desperate to find someone whom I could spend the rest of my life with. I have resigned to the fact that it may not be time just yet – there’s some other things for me to let go, learn and experience.

The journey of self-discovery has commenced with so many things that I want to do and if only I had more money to be able to do so. For now, these are some of the smaller goals:

  1. Buy a world map that I can pin places where I’ve been
  2. Sign up for Italian language classes
  3. Travel to the Uluru (already in progress)
  4. Become a citizen by the end of this year (in progress)
  5. Save up for a new DSLR and get back into photography
  6. Do more e-colouring instead of being on the phone
  7. Attempt a small hike within WA alone.
  8. Draft up a travel bucket list

If anything, the people whom I have met in the last year have taught me to just live a little more. And to explore beyond.

By the end of this year, I also hope to let go and disconnect myself from the people whom I have been hanging onto for reasons that I cannot comprehend anymore. I read somewhere that one should just let friendships run its course – i.e. not all friendships are meant to last for a long time or forever.

It is time to live the moment, embrace the journey and be grateful for the points of serendipity.

Dear What-Could-Have-Been…

I have not stopped thinking of you. Is it weird? Seeing you over a weekend was all I needed to fall. And I thought I had it altogether but the truth is I don’t, and I don’t even feel the desire to move on and delete our chat messages. I don’t feel the want to even remove you from FB – and it sure looks like you haven’t removed me either.

I wish timing could have been a bit better for us. It might have worked out. Perhaps you would be more open to having someone in your life – unless you already do, with which, well, I suppose I have to really let go.

I have always wondered if you would entertain the thought of catching up with me if I were to ask you out for a drink, given the chance that I’d fly over to where you are. The thought has crossed more than once. Okay, it has crossed more than twice truth be told.

I wonder if you think of me. I miss how our bodies were so complementary to each other even though it was only for a weekend that we allowed them to touch.

Maybe I’m just being a sook.

Or perhaps, really,  I was actually in love with you.

Silence

It is nice to have a day to yourself, filled with ‘silence’. As little interaction with people around you as possible. Just to take a break. Let your mind and heart ease up with all those thoughts and emotional frustrations. To clear the head, and to make sense of what didn’t seem to be making sense before.

And whilst I had my day of silence yesterday, taking in the sights, I had my brain reset to where it should be – i.e. logical, and taking things in my stride, instead of being a fool in love.

It was a simple memory lapse of who I am as a person, a person who has a whole lot to give, if someone right came along. A person who is ready to find someone, get to know them, and eventually form something special and long term.

And the truth hit me yesterday that I run. I run at the sight of conflict. I run at the sight of difficulty. I give up. And I hadn’t realised how much I have been doing that, until a certain someone said “this is not drama”. And as I dug in deeper, I was afraid of getting into fights / arguments. I was afraid of being vulnerable in that way. I was afraid to fight for a potentially good cause, as it were. I did not want to put in that effort because I had been burnt so badly before.

So perhaps, this is the lesson in itself – that I shouldn’t be running. If it feels right to pursue at the time, just pursue it and see what happens because there’s nothing to lose, other than a bit of a broken heart. I suppose you could see that as something major, but the heart heals. And trust in that your friends and family will be there for you when it does happen.

In essence, not to think too much, and ride the waves. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And for once,  I am actually rooted in Perth to explore something a bit deeper, and to actually have normality in the dating world.