Little Gestures

Just when you think you may be thinking the person doesn’t care, remember to look out for the little gestures. Look out for the little things that they may not actually have told you explicitly.

In the midst of my insecurities, the biggest one is that someone would just suddenly drop the ball on me that they never really had those feelings for me. That the chemistry they thought was there, really wasn’t what they thought it was. This was after a few bad experiences. In fact all my experiences have been this way. And so, there is a lot in me that fears the worst, and despite her best efforts to reassure me, time and time again, in her own little ways, I still feel afraid. In fact, I freaked out today just thinking about the possibility of her bailing on meeting me in less than 2 weeks. Yes, I am meeting this woman whom I have been talking about for the past 2 months, in about 11 days. And it is freaking me out endlessly. What if she doesn’t like who I am? What if she wasn’t who I thought she has been on chat / phone? What if the connection we have had in the last 2 months is not the same as what it would be like in person?

All the thoughts running through my head. And then I went to do a sneaky check on flight times to when we would be returning to our respective states (yes, we actually live in different states of the country). Then it hit that she had taken notice of my flight time, and tried to suit it appropriately – this meant she was returning home at midnight her time, and would have to work the next day (or so I think she will be). And this, is that little gesture. Unspoken, but made. Little gestures. Like somehow knowing that the last day of my last day on site for a project that changed me so much as a person was 9 June 2016, and sending me a little note to wish me Happy/Sad Anniversary.

And with all of that, I have realised, that I have grown. I have grown up to see beyond my fears, and to see the differences in circumstances being presented to me. I saw beyond my fears, those little gestures, unspoken. And one can only hope I am interpreting those gestures correctly, but as of now, I would like to think so.

Awareness is beautiful thing. Once you see it, you cannot unsee it. Stand still, and let the circumstance pass. Don’t walk with the circumstance – that’s how you end up holding onto those feelings and thoughts without realising. Let it pass, and along with it, all the feelings (good or bad) with it. And if fear finds you, remain still, and observe outside the grey. Notice the little gestures, unspoken.

Attraction

What is it that attracts you to someone? What draws you to them? What makes your heart flutter? Please don’t say the person’s personality, because whilst personality is what we ultimately get attracted to, there is always one (or more) physical trait in a person that attracts you to them.

I have a bit of a cliche physical trait that attracts me – the person’s eyes. But with that, I discover more and more about what other areas I see as the first things to catch my eye:

  • Shoulders
  • Back
  • Voice (if you even consider this a physical trait)
  • Teeth

Of them, what are your deal breakers? And again, there really isn’t anything right or wrong, and one would be ultimately shallow in thinking that it should really be personality traits that are the deal breakers. And yes, I do acknowledge that, and believe that personality traits trump everything at the end of the day, but let’s be realistic, if you are not someone who would be attracted to someone with a big nose, then a person with a big nose may not exactly be the best way to start the possibility of being in a relationship with them.

Before you say that I am just a shallow, superficial woman with a crazy warped mind, I beseech you to think about it really hard. I say all of this, because I used to be exactly like that. I used to think that personality would be the thing that would trump everything, and that I can date someone whom I don’t actually find physically attractive. Then I found out, I was the shallow one for thinking that physical looks don’t really matter.

The thing is this – our perceptions of what is attractive to us, is often very different to whatever others around us would think is attractive – and thank goodness for that! Because it is this unique reaction in our brain that allows us to be attracted to a particular kind, which removes other people being attracted to the same type (though it is not a one-for-one special here). It is precisely this chemical reaction in our brain that gives us that nudge to go “oh, she isn’t too bad lookin'”. And that same woman whom you thought was not too bad lookin’, is probably not going to get that same reaction from your good friend.

Oh, the beauty of human attraction, isn’t it?

The point of this post? Let’s not allow the notion of being attracted to someone’s physical traits first before their personality make us feel shallow in any form, because it really is normal. But also, don’t be too hung up on these physical traits because personality will change the physical traits of the person in your eyes. And yes, again, I speak from experience.

Let’s just be attracted to who we are attracted to, and let’s not judge ourselves for something that everyone else is doing without truly realising.

Wait for You

I write songs when I am not actually managing the horrible client that I have in my hands at the moment and I do cover versions of songs that I believe I can do a decent job of. Essentially, I am a bit of a music nazi outside of work hours (in addition to the endless thinking I do).

After all these thoughts about waiting for her, I have been wanting to write a song that would help me express how I feel and it’s been difficult. Till last night.

Verse:
I’ve been thinking for a long time
If you let me take your hand
Enclose it with mine
I’ve been thinking about the time
We said we would calm the tide
I know we want to take things slow
But I can’t help that I wanna let you know

Chorus:
That I’ll wait for you
Till you’re comfortable to let me through
I will stand by you
Till you give me word that I can start
Giving you the hugs that I long to give
Being that safe place that you’d want me to be
Oh I’ll wait for you

Verse:
I know that if you open your heart
Fears and insecurities
Makes things a bit tougher to start
Getting past all of the moments
That made us cry inside
We can also take that leap of faith
And remember this deep inside

Bridge:
And I know it’s time
Time is on our side
If we let it take us to a place where we could be
Till then I ain’t going anywhere, can’t you see

Sometimes waiting for that moment is truly key.

Different

After about a 2 hour conversation with a woman whom I am getting more and more intrigued by, I find myself questioning the point of comparison.

You know how it is – you have a situation that you feel like you need some form of reference / base point where you can actually see if things are going the way they should go. Regardless of whether it makes sense or not.

And the matter of truth or fact, is that it does not make sense. At all.

Why would anyone’s situation be a good place to start comparing? How does that even make sense? Everyone’s circumstance is different. And when you put two people together in a circumstance / situation – the odds become even more unlikely.

It is strange that it has only hit me now, but the matter of fact is that this experience has been quite refreshing, and I am learning plenty from it – I don’t feel quite that intense feeling towards her that I felt when we were both in that “zone” (for lack of a better word). But I am still keen to get to know her better and see where it takes us. I do feel as though the butterflies are fading but hey, this is but only one element. 

What I will say is that I am happy with our level of honesty in this. Or well I am glad I can be honest with how I feel. And I am glad she reassures me with her statements. I am even surprised that I am this comfortable with our current dating arrangements.

So, every single relationship / friendship is different. Note to self and to all: Please do not even think to compare with anyone.

Patience

It is not everyday that you find someone whom you seem to get along with, with absolute ease. There is nothing really holding back (well, other than the fact that you want to tell her that you wish you could hug and kiss her all day long) on your part, and it feels absolutely great when you chat with her. Hearing from her makes your heart leap for joy.

But after the first attempt of me flogging her off because I felt I was not ready for such intensity from her (and truth be told, I was chatting to another woman who seemed to click more with me at the time). And now the second attempt’s failed on my part because I have scared and freaked her out with the intensity of what we had, I feel like I am back at the starting line, and have to ‘court’ her all over again – so to speak.

It has been bothering me day and night, and thankfully there is work to thank for the distraction of another issue to hide this one. The truth is, without a damn doubt, I just need to suck it up, and stop being pathetic about this whole wait for her. I lack patience, and this is a clear testament for it. But also, there is a sense of needing to compare to other potential relationships around me, and the interactions that they go through – why is mine always so different? And then the brain keeps begging the question, “is she really worth the wait?”.

The answer? Yes. From past experiences, I have allowed myself to just be sucked into the vortex of quick, easy “love”, one that speaks of initial infatuation with the lack of depth in communication, rather than one that speaks of actually getting to know each other.

The anxiety kills, but as eluded before in the past, there is an absolute sense of security with her that I feel, unlike any others. Perhaps this respect that’s built into trust has aided in it all. Perhaps it’s because she’s actually stuck around – she wants to make it work. And as cliche as it might sound, absence does make the heart grow fonder, and I find myself enjoying and treasuring my conversations with her a lot more. I have my wishes of being able to just call her “Darling”, and “Sweetie”, as we have done before, but really, her feeling comfortable is more important than me needing to express my love for wordy affections. I only look forward to that day when I can use them without limitations.

There is maturity in this that I am learning heaps about, but by the same token, I am cautious that her fears will overpower her desire to just leap in a little more, and let me show her that I can catch her when she falls, and I am not the same jerk her ex was. I can be trusted. I can be relied upon. I can rise to the occasion. I want to keep her warm.

But for now, patience.

#patienceisavirtue #sheisworththewait

Respect

I am big on respect. From respect, comes a whole lot of other things that makes a person, makes any relationship stand out from the rest. Take the waitress at the restaurant for example. She gives you the due respect by smiling, and talking to you nicely. In return, your respect for her as a person who is just trying to earn her keep to pay her bills will determine how your entire meal experience would be.

It is the same in a person. If one innately values respect, there is then an ability to see beyond what is just in front of you. To be respectful, is to be restrained (within reason). To respect, is to trust the person. To respect, is to know when to stop, and when to say I’m sorry.

Losing respect for any person, will cause the same, equal and opposite reaction. You will start realising that you have no time for the person, and you no longer wish to partake in too much of what they are saying, or offering. It becomes superficial.

There is a basic respect that everyone deserves. Every stranger you meet on the street deserves some form of human respect. You are just like them. You have two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Two ears and a mop of hair (in some cases). You may seem like you dress better than them because the coin you earn bears more value, but really, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we rise and we will fall to the same essence in the ground by the end of our lives here on earth.

And you may call me old fashioned, but respecting a woman whom I have come to like very much over the last few months, means to listen to her concerns, and work with her to make things happen. If things don’t work out, well, at least I know I have done my level best at this, and I have been respectful of her, and her thoughts, and opinions. Yes, mine matters too, but that would be for her to respect. If she doesn’t, then well, God help me to see that red flag. But for now, she’s got my respect. And respect is a big part of me. And in the process of deciding to wait, it is this respect for her that helps me tide through the wait. The respect for her maturity. For her heart of gold. For her intelligence (which can leave me intimidated sometimes, but let’s not go there today). For her positivity. For her being who she is.

Let’s get out there and show some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Aretha knew what she was talkin’ about when she sang that song. And I say, Sang. With a capital “S”.A.N.G.

Waiting

I am somewhat convinced that I have just decided to wait for her. Despite her freaking out about 2 times in a row now, and pulling things all the way back this time, my heart seems to say “just wait”. And then the gut hasn’t been churning in disgust. So that has to be some form of comfort.

But, this time, surprisingly, the head has been in total overdrive, and is questioning “is it all worth it?”. The whole idea of having things go according to how she wants it, which is still a bit odd in my mind, and then seeing how things pan out?

The only thing that is really pushing me to run with things this way is the fact that I have 1001 other things in my life that I am trying to have some form of control over, and also the fact that I would like to meet her in person before coming to any form of conclusion about where I see this going.

There are plenty of things that I really like about her. There are heaps of things that I appreciate about her. But how slow, is slow? The spacing of communication days, does that even make sense in this day and age? Is there a generation gap of some sort here? Considering that we have been relentlessly chatting every single day for the past 2 or so months, and then having absolutely no communication for the last 2 days because we needed to take things slow, is really something I am still trying to grasp.

But at the end of the day, the heart still says “just wait”. The heart still says, “be patient”. The heart says, “you will know when you meet her”. Almost as though it’s telling me that this could be the person that you are meant to be with, it will just take a bit more time you would like, and with it, comes a lesson on patience, that you have probably needed all your love life. There is no point in rushing. Whatever will be, will be. The heart likes her. Very much. The gut too, it seems. But the head, seems to be going in the opposite direction, and has all these factors that are playing.

And amazingly, there is a sense of calm with this one. I don’t exactly feel anxious about her losing interest. More so, there is an anxiety over how my family would take it, if things did go swimmingly well in Melbourne.

The decision is “wait”. And, wait I shall. This one, for now, seems worth it.

When It All Comes Crumbling

It never rains but it pours. A good ol’ saying that is the perfect description to what has been happening in the last week. 

So how does one deal with the mental and emotional burden of the work and love life seemingly crashing? 

One simply stays afloat. One doesn’t bother swimming. It’s all about staying afloat. By whatever selfish means one has to employ. Typically we are looking at the use of having walls up and blocking people out and potentially being alone so that there are no further external factors being involved in the so-called whirlwimd that you are going through. 

The storm will pass but you haven’t a clue when it might happen so you just wait. And you stay afloat. 

And be aware of the exhaustion that comes with worrying and overthinking too, making sure never to react to something that isn’t a true account of what might really be.

When it all comes crumbling, you stay afloat.

Bad Apples are Good for You

You heard me right.

After going through two rather average (read as: absolute sh1t) experiences with the last 2 women I thought were pretty damn special, I see so much more in what she is doing and saying to me now. I appreciate the little things. Things that she remembers. The ex didn’t even remember my birthday. Yes. I welcome the sympathy vote here, thanks. 

These bad apples in our lives teach us never to bite too close to the core for fear of worms. They teach us to look out for little dents on the outside indicating rot before taking the bite bit most of all these bad apples tend to make the good ones taste even better (figuratively speaking). 

I feel like I can’t take the plunge and yet I feel so connected to her that I feel she’s got exclusive rights to me. Not that the rights are really that grand but it does mean she gets more out of me than others would. Not that I mind. But how do you convince your logical mind that it is okay to virtually offer your heart to someone you have never met and has so many factors surrounding the two of you that will make it challenging to even have a relationship? That is if she feels the same way about you. That depth.

#humanemotions

Influence

It is difficult not to have certain elements of a person rub off on you when you have forged a certain relationship with them – be it a friendship or a relationship or even as good colleagues. 

There is this process of infiltration that one wouldn’t really be able to feel until something significant happens and you go “wow, I would never have done this if I had not known this person”. 

This is more likely to happen if you actually liked the person by the way. If you didn’t really have much of an opinion about the person then well. It would be difficult to even have any thought related to what has transgressed between you pass through that filter. 

In other news, it was a 1hr42min conversation last night with this woman whom I am just getting more and more intrigued by and yet feeling as though I may not actually be what she is looking for. Our humour seems to be different. Everything else seems to just… Fit. Comfortably. But humour is yet this massive element for me that I need to get right. How do you go through life with a significant other without being able to make her laugh? That’s huge! 

In any case, I love her voice. And I admire her strength and her embracing her quirky side. I love the fact that she doesn’t follow the crowd. 

Am I actually punching above my own weight?