Reality

You try so hard to think of reasons not to trust the person. Not to believe everything the person says. Not to think to yourself that there might potentially be someone who genuinely loves you romantically. You try to convince yourself that it is ‘too good to be true’. You try to tell yourself that you’re not really living in reality – you are living in some bubble.

However the reality is that you have fallen in love with this person. You have fallen in love with her eyes. In love with her quietness. In love with her witty comebacks. You are falling in love with her deeper each time you see her and you spend time with her. You wonder if you’re being too dramatic over how you’re actually feeling inside, and you try all ways to deny how you’re really feeling, and you can’t. Reality is that you’ve fallen for this woman. And you’re scared out of your wits. You are pretty much on your last few strings, hanging on for dear life, before you fully submerse yourself into that ‘abyss’. And whilst one part is telling you to just surrender, and fall, the other part is telling you not to for fear of losing the ability to think logically.

And then what scares you even more, is that each time you see her, you find yet another thing you’ve fallen in love with at that very moment. And then you freak out. You start to wonder “Have I just allowed that last string to be released?”.

And then that begs the question, why do you think so much? Why not just let it flow and see how it all pans out? Why not just let nature take its course. Let your heart feel all these emotions you’re meant to feel when you’re in love, rather than allowing the mind to control the emotions that you’re supposedly feeling. What is it that keeps giving into fear?

Love cannot be seen together with fear. Love cannot exist with fear. To love utterly completely, one has to remove that fear.

I just hope that I will have the courage to do so.

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Measure

How do you measure the love you have for a person? What is this feeling as though you just want to work through everything with her, and just make sure that this will work? Is that actually love? Or is that desperation to keep things together because you have just never been able to hold anything together for a good amount of time?

Truth is that there is no measure to love. You just feel it. You can’t measure love. You can’t say “I love you this much”. You hear more “I love you so much”. Immeasurable. You cannot put a measure on love. That feeling lives deep within your heart and your gut about a person.

But what separates knowing that you actually love the person, from just trying to keep things together?

You can picture a future. You can picture yourself growing old with this woman. You can picture so many more years with her. Travelling. Talking. Teasing. Just a future, which you genuinely hope will eventuate into something like how you’ve always imagined it to be.

Can you measure love? No. And there is no need to. You feel it? You say it. And please don’t measure the number of times you say I love you to the person you love, because it can never be enough. You will only find yourself wondering why you didn’t, when things happen and it becomes too late.

Let’s stop measuring, and start pouring out the love that’s within us, to that special someone.

Saying No

One has to quiver when the same friend brings up the same past 3 times in a row – each time you catch up with them. The same past that involves the one person whom you have decided does not deserve to be in your life. And then you have to beg the question – why?

Why does this question keep popping up out of nowhere? What is the universe trying to say? What is your friend trying to tell you? Perhaps, just perhaps, you have made a mistake?

But the matter of truth is this:

  • No one is in your shoes, and therefore would have absolutely no clue as to what you had gone through when things did happen between you and this person whom you decided to remove from your life (let’s call them “X” from hereon).
  • You have your reasons for disconnecting yourself fully from X, with which others may not actually understand because they did not feel what you felt, they did not see nor hear what had happened.
  • Where does this friend get off regarding the notion of wanting to get you and X back as friends when she never really had the best impression of her in the first place?
  • X has changed over time, and this friend has got no idea how X was like before this. So this is pretty much apples vs pears.

The lesson here, is that when one decides to block / disconnect / eradicate (not in a malicious way obviously) a person from their lives, perhaps the reasons are not ultimately clear, but know and acknowledge deep within yourself that you had done it for reasons to protect yourself, to guard your heart, to rid of the toxic, and let the true healing begin.

It is alright to say no. It is alright to say I don’t want this anymore.

Be strong, and do what is best for you.

I have trust issues but I’d still like to date you

Sometimes the effect of various events in life don’t really surface till you see yourself behaving in a way that you wouldn’t have accepted if you were on the other side of the dating fence.

I have been through some relationships in life, and having only come out for 2 years, some may say that my dating life has been quite colourful to say the least. However, dating these women have not been great for my self-esteem, and my ability to trust. In fact I have lost all reasons to trust that anyone of them would stay. It’s as though they subconsciously come in to rob whatever they want that I have, and then walk out as though nothing had ever happened between us. Imagine this happening about 3 times in a row. It starts to have an effect. Not that I had realised it before. Not till now.

The trust issue is real. The overthinking is real. The insecurities are all real.

It takes a very patient woman to bear these elements. And I may have met one.

The reassurance is something I have never had experienced before with any other women (it is usually me reassuring them). It is refreshing, and yet, I still cannot let go and trust.

I like you. I really do. In fact I may have used the big “L” word on you already. Several times. And it’s not that I love you like a friend loves her other friends. I am in love with you. And yet, I cannot trust you sufficiently to allow myself to let go.

But please continue to be my date. Please continue to hang out with me. Please understand that there will be days when my overthinking will make me feel more insecure than usual. Please be patient with me. Most of all, please allow me to continue dating you, because I truly want to get to know you better and better each day, and to see what’s in your world. I want to be part of that world too. When I seem to pull away, please don’t take it as a sign of disinterest, rather, please understand that I get scared and will need time to re-centre myself. It would also help if you continued reassuring me too, with which I will be fully appreciative of.

I acknowledge my trust issues fully, but I hope you will wait for me to get there with giving you, and us, the full trust.

Disclaimer: I acknowledge that no human is perfect and my date would have her own flaws too, with which, those are her demons to fight, and for me to support.

Try

I don’t know how it happened, but I am glad that it did.
I don’t know why I was drawn to you, but now I realise it’s just because you’re the beautiful person that you are.
I don’t know what gave me the courage to kiss you, but I only hope to have more of it so I can kiss you again.
I don’t know where this journey will be taking us, but I am hoping it will be a journey you and I will be walking together for a very long time.
I don’t know all the things that would make you happy yet, but I want to discover them one by one if you’d allow me to.
I don’t know how to comfort you in challenging times yet, but I want you to know that I will be there with my shoulder for you to cry and lean on as necessary.
I don’t know what sort of challenges we will be facing together, but I want to work with you to work them through when we meet them.
I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring, but I know today is a gift I want to open with you.

I don’t know a hell of a lot of things. But I know one thing for sure…

I want to try.

I want to try making us work.
I want to try my hardest to make you laugh every single day
I want to try giving you the love that you deserve
I want to try things I never dared to before because I know that is something you’d love.
I want to try teaching you things that mean the world to me.
I want to try sharing all I can with you, every day.

I don’t know how good I will be at it, and you may find it frustrating at times… but I want to try.

Because, as much as I’d hate to say it, I’m starting to fall in love with you.

Past

Some people are quite open about their past, and what’s happened. Others, not so. Some hide because they find it embarrassing, and some hide because they really don’t want to revisit those moments from the past because of the emotions it would probably trigger. But how important is it to know someone’s past and their decisions back then?

It is a genuine question because think about the number of times you have placed judgement on a person just based on what he / she has done in the past, with no regard of where that journey has taken them. And then you find yourself being clouded with fear and nonsensical thoughts about how genuine this person is because of something that you know, of which, just scratches the surfaces ever so briefly.

The person that you’re potentially dating, is right here. Right now. What’s happened in the past may have some form of impact on where you’d be going, without a doubt, but the question here is, “should you not be taking and appreciating this person for who they are in the present moment?”

Having someone’s past put you in a knot, is a flag worth noting. But the question also beckons “did you put yourself in this knot? Or were you influenced by others who had steered you towards this thought?”.

Discernment is difficult when one is in the situation. So be aware of everything around you. Notice the small things. Don’t ignore the big things. And then glide along.

And glide forward.

Decisions

It never rains, but it pours. So I’ve heard. And it’s been the case for what seems to be a really intense 3 weeks of my life. I made decisions to take up Italian Language classes. And I have enrolled to be a Life Coach, and then I get an email that I have been waiting for a year for… an opening for the Air Traffic Controller traineeship, based in Melbourne.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

I have been re-evaluating my career path since running into this asshole of a client over the past 7 months, and life coaching seems to fit so well. And there’s been an amazing amount of support for this path too. But this is a very tough line to get the same pay. One can only hope that I could start this on the side, and work my way through. And this leaves me rooted to this city, which is something very attractive considering my current social situation.

The air traffic controller path would lead me down the path of working with the one vehicle that I have always loved since I was a kid – airplanes. I thought of being a pilot, but yeah nah. As the Australians would say.  This path brings good money, and would be something I’ve always wanted to do, but… I lose my social life. And potentially the chance  to settle down.

So what decision would you make?

  1. Money + Childhood Dream – Stability – Family Life
  2. Fulfilling Job + Stability + Family Life – Money – Comforts

And now you ask me, “what would make you happy?”

I’ve told myself that I would never allow money to be something that would be a factor to make me happy, but that would mean I give up my comforts. Can I? Would I?

I still believe in love. I still believe that love conquers all. But I also believe in the reality of our world, and that it does take more than just love to survive.

So what is the decision?

I. Don’t. Know.

Dynamics

What draws people to each other? And I’m not talking about a sexual attraction. What makes people friends? What connects them? What causes the dynamic of any friendship to blossom, or to die out for that matter? And do we find ourselves trying too hard sometimes, to be someone whom we’re not, in an effort to get more attention or affection from someone / people?

It all usually happens in the subconscious mind. And when one finally becomes aware of what is happening, then the question beckons “what exactly am I doing, and why?”. Perhaps it’s envy. Perhaps jealousy. Perhaps we’re just insecure in ourselves.

And whilst one might attribute this to something that happens during the adolescent years, it is very much something that happens in adulthood. And as we get older, it becomes mixed with all types of complications because you’re somehow expected to know what is right or wrong for yourself.

We’re all growing individuals. We never stop learning till the day we all say goodbye to the earth that we stand on. So don’t feel as though you’re slow. Don’t feel as though you’re the only one going through the myriad of emotions that you are. Because you’re not. As adults, we tend to become a little bit more cautious about our feelings, and exposing them. We become less likely to expose our vulnerability to others, because this vulnerability is precious. It is the very insight to our soul and the core of it.

As humans, we seek love. We seek attention in some form or another. But it is no good to us if we cannot first love ourselves. We need to understand the principles of human dynamics. Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to take to your style. Not everyone is going to have nice things to say about you. And that, is absolutely and utterly okay. Because they’re not you. They don’t know you. You know you. You know who you are as a person. You are not imposing any harm onto others (I would hope not), and you are not causing grief to others (again I hope not).

Human dynamics exist because we’re all different. We all have our own unique print. Be proud of that print. Be proud of who you are, and how far you’ve come. And never forget that our journeys are different. What you know now, maybe something someone else never knew about, and you can teach them that. Very much like how they can teach you something, which you never knew about. Be open to be inspired.

Self-Preservation

The idea of self-preservation can be seen in one of two ways:

  • Self-love
  • Selfish

I did something today that I wouldn’t really dare to do if it was me a few years ago. I did something that I used to consider in some ways selfish and cowardly even. I decided to block someone out of my life – i.e. she would have no means of contacting me using her existing / current number. And from where she stands, it would have happened without prior warning, or indication.

I chose this path because the events that have happened surrounding this one person and myself have caused a wide array of trust issues. I no longer trust the way I used to. I no longer see people the way I used to. Ultimately, circumstances and the lack of sufficient knowledge in coping have led me down this path of self-preservation, in an effort to protect the already fragile heart.

The idea of self-preservation, to me, therefore is one to allow myself to be able to continue believing in love. To be able to protect myself from the toxic elements that would otherwise drive me deeper down the path of a jaded mind. The idea of self-preservation, is one of self-love. Identifying that apparent cause of misery in the soul, and nipping it in the bud, even though it might be painful to do so, because it is in the very opposite nature of who you are.

Self-preservation can be a painful process, but more often than not, it is somewhat necessary. It helps to preserve the innocence and purity of love without further damage from the toxic / poisonous circumstances we find ourselves in.

And further to that, it is always surprising to realise how much one person can have a hold on you, even without trying. And the one thing I have learnt – the more you succumb to the little voices in your head to do the right thing by the person, sometimes, you really have to do the right thing by yourself, so that you don’t pierce that heart even more than it already is.

Self-preservation is necessary. Treat it with caution, and with care. But ultimately, preserve yourself for bigger opportunities to show and express your love – they are out there.

 

Repeat

There is one thing that has rung true with conversations I have had with a friend – we will keep facing similar situations until we truly learn the lessons that we are meant to. And whilst I am still figuring out what the actual lesson is, with this repeating situation I have been experiencing over the past 7 years or so, I feel like at least the maturity with age has helped with coping. Or so I think.

I suppose the little lessons of having a wall up, having some sort of coping mechanism to assist with the pain that you feel, and having a support group whom you trust are great, but finding the primary lesson, is what I am struggling a bit with.

There has been plenty of what-if’s forming in my head and at the end, the root, really is the fact that I allow myself to be too emotionally involved, even though I say I am not. When you spend so much time with a person, you inevitably give off of yourself bit by bit, without really realising. And then when it hits, it’s akin to a tsunami hitting you with a tonne of bricks following – just for effect.

And then you have to start patching your heart, bit by bit, stitch by stitch, whilst trying to maintain that facade of everything being okay.

Some people come into your lives and they leave footprints that you look back fondly on, even though they disappear over time. Some people storm into your lives, mess it up, and then leave a devastated mess that you clean up after. Some people waltz in, capture your soul, and leave you inspired to do greater things. Some others, you make a deliberate effort to bring into your life, show them that love conquers all, and you find yourself creating a black hole for yourself to fall in once you’ve pushed them up into the light.

And that last one, is usually what shatters the heart the most.

Here’s to finding that lesson with the life situations we have on repeat. And here’s to always finding the strength inside to love, and love more.