Just when you think you may be thinking the person doesn’t care, remember to look out for the little gestures. Look out for the little things that they may not actually have told you explicitly.
In the midst of my insecurities, the biggest one is that someone would just suddenly drop the ball on me that they never really had those feelings for me. That the chemistry they thought was there, really wasn’t what they thought it was. This was after a few bad experiences. In fact all my experiences have been this way. And so, there is a lot in me that fears the worst, and despite her best efforts to reassure me, time and time again, in her own little ways, I still feel afraid. In fact, I freaked out today just thinking about the possibility of her bailing on meeting me in less than 2 weeks. Yes, I am meeting this woman whom I have been talking about for the past 2 months, in about 11 days. And it is freaking me out endlessly. What if she doesn’t like who I am? What if she wasn’t who I thought she has been on chat / phone? What if the connection we have had in the last 2 months is not the same as what it would be like in person?
All the thoughts running through my head. And then I went to do a sneaky check on flight times to when we would be returning to our respective states (yes, we actually live in different states of the country). Then it hit that she had taken notice of my flight time, and tried to suit it appropriately – this meant she was returning home at midnight her time, and would have to work the next day (or so I think she will be). And this, is that little gesture. Unspoken, but made. Little gestures. Like somehow knowing that the last day of my last day on site for a project that changed me so much as a person was 9 June 2016, and sending me a little note to wish me Happy/Sad Anniversary.
And with all of that, I have realised, that I have grown. I have grown up to see beyond my fears, and to see the differences in circumstances being presented to me. I saw beyond my fears, those little gestures, unspoken. And one can only hope I am interpreting those gestures correctly, but as of now, I would like to think so.
Awareness is beautiful thing. Once you see it, you cannot unsee it. Stand still, and let the circumstance pass. Don’t walk with the circumstance – that’s how you end up holding onto those feelings and thoughts without realising. Let it pass, and along with it, all the feelings (good or bad) with it. And if fear finds you, remain still, and observe outside the grey. Notice the little gestures, unspoken.