When It All Comes Crumbling

It never rains but it pours. A good ol’ saying that is the perfect description to what has been happening in the last week. 

So how does one deal with the mental and emotional burden of the work and love life seemingly crashing? 

One simply stays afloat. One doesn’t bother swimming. It’s all about staying afloat. By whatever selfish means one has to employ. Typically we are looking at the use of having walls up and blocking people out and potentially being alone so that there are no further external factors being involved in the so-called whirlwimd that you are going through. 

The storm will pass but you haven’t a clue when it might happen so you just wait. And you stay afloat. 

And be aware of the exhaustion that comes with worrying and overthinking too, making sure never to react to something that isn’t a true account of what might really be.

When it all comes crumbling, you stay afloat.

Bad Apples are Good for You

You heard me right.

After going through two rather average (read as: absolute sh1t) experiences with the last 2 women I thought were pretty damn special, I see so much more in what she is doing and saying to me now. I appreciate the little things. Things that she remembers. The ex didn’t even remember my birthday. Yes. I welcome the sympathy vote here, thanks. 

These bad apples in our lives teach us never to bite too close to the core for fear of worms. They teach us to look out for little dents on the outside indicating rot before taking the bite bit most of all these bad apples tend to make the good ones taste even better (figuratively speaking). 

I feel like I can’t take the plunge and yet I feel so connected to her that I feel she’s got exclusive rights to me. Not that the rights are really that grand but it does mean she gets more out of me than others would. Not that I mind. But how do you convince your logical mind that it is okay to virtually offer your heart to someone you have never met and has so many factors surrounding the two of you that will make it challenging to even have a relationship? That is if she feels the same way about you. That depth.

#humanemotions

Influence

It is difficult not to have certain elements of a person rub off on you when you have forged a certain relationship with them – be it a friendship or a relationship or even as good colleagues. 

There is this process of infiltration that one wouldn’t really be able to feel until something significant happens and you go “wow, I would never have done this if I had not known this person”. 

This is more likely to happen if you actually liked the person by the way. If you didn’t really have much of an opinion about the person then well. It would be difficult to even have any thought related to what has transgressed between you pass through that filter. 

In other news, it was a 1hr42min conversation last night with this woman whom I am just getting more and more intrigued by and yet feeling as though I may not actually be what she is looking for. Our humour seems to be different. Everything else seems to just… Fit. Comfortably. But humour is yet this massive element for me that I need to get right. How do you go through life with a significant other without being able to make her laugh? That’s huge! 

In any case, I love her voice. And I admire her strength and her embracing her quirky side. I love the fact that she doesn’t follow the crowd. 

Am I actually punching above my own weight?

Scars

It is amazing what scars can do to a person. They not only make one stronger but it would seem that scar tissues are also very good reminders of never wanting to go through that sort of pain ever again. 

You know the ones I am talking about – the ones where you now feel like such an idiot for allowing yourself to stoop down to that level to get some form of attention that wasn’t even real. The ones that leave you wondering how the f#%k you even managed to get so obsessed over the person who really didn’t give two shits about you. 

Those scars create innate walls and it creates the concept of fear. So really – does fear then make us stronger? Or is it these scar tissues that inevitably intertwine to become something so tough that will not allow the same form of attack to destroy what it’s healed? 

I am well aware and conscious of all that I am saying and doing. More so, I know that I have my walls back up after what has happened in the last two days and thinking about things very logically. Perhaps this really is the way to live – logically. And as much as I would love to be one of the few hopeless romantics on earth – I want to say it out loud for the first time ever – romance is overrated.

I totally didn’t mean that. It actually made me feel sick in my tummy. But for the purpose of what I am going through at the moment – romance needs to halt.

Exposure

One gets to a point where she makes the decision to just be vulnerable. Yes. It was a conscious decision to do so. To bare it all. Just put it out there. And thankfully, the feeling is mutual. 

But then that leaves the exposure. That point where your bare heart has let down its guard in a way that leaves you at risk for a tear, a crack, a break or even a huge shatter. What do you do then? 

Logic has it that you have not even met the person and so you can’t possibly be that invested into the entire situation. Reality however sings quite the different tune in that there are so many factors that are going to challenge this thing you have going on with her. And then there is the heart and gut saying “it’s okay. Give this a chance. Give this that shot it deserves. Give yourself. Give her a chance at this”. 

And one won’t deny – it is mighty difficult not thinking about the “what if’s”. It is difficult not to wonder what it maybe like moving forward. 

All the above said, she is different. She has ticked so many boxes. And whilst it is the harder road to take, it may be worth while. She tries. She puts in the effort I have never seen others do for me.

Truth is this:

  • I like her.
  • She is different, in a good/great way.
  • I feel this is a 2nd chance for me.
  • I like her. 

And one wonders – shouldn’t that be enough? Why are you holding back?

Flame-Out

Maybe there is such a thing as flame-out. Maybe there is such a notion as dissipating feelings. Or is it me putting my guard up after what has happened in the last 2 days? The seemingly interested woman, with all that flirtatious side to her has now retreated, and so I seem to be doing the same.

It doesn’t feel like mind games, and oddly enough, I don’t feel in any way insecure with her. However, I do feel as though I am not getting that sense of interest on her side. I would like to say that she’s just really beat from her looooong week – which she has had, but it just feels a bit weird altogether.

The whole idea of meeting her in Melbourne, and potentially finding a connection there, makes me wonder “what next”. What is going to happen between us both? Am I going to head to Darwin for visits? Would she even fly down to Perth? The last thing I really want, is for her to be one of those who would commit, and not back down even if she is no longer interested because that just wastes both our time.

All that said, I really am looking forward to meeting her. I am finding her more and more attractive physically, which simply means I am falling deeper and deeper, which I do not really want to. I find myself controlling the emotions within a lot better than usual, so hopefully that will last.

For now, I am fully fascinated with her aloof nature and wonder if she still is interested. I no longer know.

What I Will Not Be

What I will not be…

… is the person who is like my father, who doesn’t realise his selfish ways

… is the person who is like my mother, who hasn’t been able to follow her heart and find her own happiness

… is the person who is like my sister, who has allowed herself to be consumed by the opinions of others so much that it has affected her entire mental and physical state.

… is the person who sees the happiness of someone else far greater than mine, because there can never be longevity with me constantly giving.

… is the person who is defined by the cultural and religious boundaries of ‘what should be’. Rather I would be a person who is defined by the simple concept of love and respect.

… is the person who desires company because of the fear of loneliness. May I be the person who desires company because of the mutual gifts we can bring to one another to grow both as a unit, and as individuals.

… is the person who fears the unknown. May I be the person who would rise up to the challenge should my heart feel the gut saying yes to what may come.

… is the person who allows her fears to become her. May I overcome the barriers and feel sufficient peace and freedom to begin afresh with each new journey instead of being bogged down by the bad experiences of the last.

… is the person who stops loving. May I see a reason to love each person I see and come into contact with everyday.

Be Still…

… my beating heart.

You may think as though you have found the absolute love of your life, but you know that past experiences tell you otherwise for most part. You have learnt from past experiences that you need to calm yourself down just in case it was another case of unrequited love.

That said, don’t be too pessimistic about the whole thing either because this girl, this lady, no, this woman, actually did make the first moves – or so to speak. She made her way to where she is now, through effort. And all this, with a child in her life, and a demanding job to boot. And you know how you go soft whenever you witness a woman so independent, so strong, so aware of what she wants in life.

My beating heart, don’t allow your impatience to cause yet another failure in what you might consider a potentially great relationship. Let it ride out its path for once. Have confidence in that soul that you were gifted with, and have confidence in that personality that you were raised to have. Be aware of how much you’re letting yourself into this unknown territory, and guard as much of yourself as you are exposing it to let her know that she owns a wee part of it.

Try to reduce and avoid expecting anything when you think of her and text. Be real, but be safe. Be confident, but be welcoming.

My beating heart, be still for this one time… and see if time really does the wonders that it does. And maybe believe a little more in the little miracles that love may indeed have to offer – over distance, over opinions, over judgement, over fear.

Judgement

The people who claim that there should not be any judgement, tend to be the greatest judges of them all. I am not even going into religion because that would just open up this massive can of worms that I really would not like to feast on at the moment.

What I do need to get out of my chest this morning, despite the gazillion things I actually need to be working on, is how people start to shun you away because you have changed into someone they do not respect or look up to anymore. And before one says, “maybe you are too sensitive”, action proves far more than little words of comfort that they try to provide you with. Truly. I can understand the whole logic behind FB being an absolute relationship destroyer, because people are contradicting themselves all the time, me included.

We say we are busy, and yet we find time to comment, like, and do all sorts of other things on the social media, instead of actually doing other things that matter more, like working, or actually having a decent conversation with someone, for example.

In the last two years, I have learnt so much about the judgement of people against lesbians (or LGBTs in general). And as a friend has said it to me before, “you guys just make it like such a big deal”. But how can we not, when discrimination and judgement is still seen all over? And to be one who’s experienced it first hand, not only by strangers, but also by her own family members, the hurt cuts real deep. And that is the truth. Unconditional love is something that maybe a handful is capable of in this world. Yes, only a handful, because when you think about unconditional love, you think about far more than just loving the person, you think about loving them despite your beliefs, despite who you were expecting them to be, despite who they have become.

Humans unfortunately see people the way they want to see them, not the way these people actually are. There is a huge difference. And this unconscious or subconscious judgement, is what kills.

We say we don’t judge. But truth is, all of us do, in our own way. And when you say you accept a person for who they are, please think twice before you say it because you are leading the person on to think you see them or who they are, not who you expect or want them to be.

Unspoken judgement within inevitably breeds hypocrisy.

 

Second Chance

This feels very much like a second chance. It almost feels as though I should really give this one a shot and just let live. Not worry about the financial impacts this may have etc. Afterall this year was supposed to be the year of change. 

I think for the most part I am so glad that I didn’t make the first move outwardly even though I had dropped quite a number of hints. 

There is a reason why she has never disappeared. But within me I still feel so skeptical about it because of all the relationships I have been in. And that is what is holding me back so much this time. 

If this is a second chance though, I will take it because she is such a great fit. And I didn’t even realise how beautiful her eyes were. Till the other night. 

I believe in second chances. And I don’t want to make the same mistake(s)