Decisions

It never rains, but it pours. So I’ve heard. And it’s been the case for what seems to be a really intense 3 weeks of my life. I made decisions to take up Italian Language classes. And I have enrolled to be a Life Coach, and then I get an email that I have been waiting for a year for… an opening for the Air Traffic Controller traineeship, based in Melbourne.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

I have been re-evaluating my career path since running into this asshole of a client over the past 7 months, and life coaching seems to fit so well. And there’s been an amazing amount of support for this path too. But this is a very tough line to get the same pay. One can only hope that I could start this on the side, and work my way through. And this leaves me rooted to this city, which is something very attractive considering my current social situation.

The air traffic controller path would lead me down the path of working with the one vehicle that I have always loved since I was a kid – airplanes. I thought of being a pilot, but yeah nah. As the Australians would say.  This path brings good money, and would be something I’ve always wanted to do, but… I lose my social life. And potentially the chance  to settle down.

So what decision would you make?

1. Money + Childhood Dream – Stability – Family Life
2. Fulfilling Job + Stability + Family Life – Money – Comforts

And now you ask me, “what would make you happy?”

I’ve told myself that I would never allow money to be something that would be a factor to make me happy, but that would mean I give up my comforts. Can I? Would I?

I still believe in love. I still believe that love conquers all. But I also believe in the reality of our world, and that it does take more than just love to survive.

So what is the decision?

I. Don’t. Know.

Easy

That’s how it is supposed to feel, right? The fact that there is no need to be rushing into things. There should not be a need to feel as though chatting all day is necessary. More so, there should not be a sense of wanting to just dive right into it even though it is so very tempting to. 

In other news, the move to the detention centre is complete and people are just generally sooks in this place with too high expectations. We are here to work lads, not to be on holiday at a resort. If you have both, that would just be a complete bonus and a bloody good luck of the draw. Otherwise, just suck it up and live. You have a bed. You have a shower and you have food. Take it. It’s really not that difficult to live.

Zombie

The work has finally come to a stage where it is now time to start playing games. Well it was always there but I have now been really commissioned into this game. And it’s been interesting to say the least.

You try to sus people out. Their habits. Their moods. Their styles. Their inability to understand what you are saying because they have no clue. You start making mental notes of who the people are whom you can actually go to for valuable assistance, and those you just don’t waste any time on. 

Them you start playing your cards, slowly. You make sure you constantly watch your back because someone might either throw you under a bus or take a knife and just backstab you themselves.

It is unfortunately such a nasty world out there and really, no one is left out of this equation of the dog eat dog world. You just learn to deal with it in the most humane, and the most ethical way. Without compromising any of the values that you were taught as a child and as a Christian. 

And so. This battle begins. 

Detention Centre

Rumours are true. And can be trusted if your delegated boss is telling you so. You would think that a company would at least think twice before agreeing to housing people at what was once known as a detention centre. But nah. Not in this case. 

The news comes about a week before we have to eventually move and how ridiculous. It sounds better than I expected but I refuse to let hopes be high because I’d hate to be disappointed. From what I was told the rooms look cleaner and toilets better. But hey who’s to know? The only consolation is that we are probably the first bunch to be living there since its refurbishment (or so I hope it has been). 

It will be a change to get used to but life is full of it. And the only great thing is that we are a lot closer to the airport so leaving would be awesome! 

Reflection

Cue Mulan theme song.

It was RC’s first day today on site. His face must have been what I had on mine. And wow. What a world of difference. From the first day to now, my 42nd day in site, I have grown and I have changed and I have seen myself progressing as a person and engineer. Which is something I didn’t really expect.

Having the chance to just take charge and run with things was something I gained from West Angelas. But having the chance to actually be a bad ass engineer who challenges designs and all that is something I am learning here more than ever. To be able to just argue a point. To have something always at the back of my pocket. To know that I am never the best. 

Today I see a different me. And I like it. I hope the growth will continue in this fashion.

Isolation

The story of any FIFO worker is that we are living very much in isolation as individuals. We don’t get much out of being with our work mates because let’s face it, who can we really trust at work at the end of the day? We are in a dog eat dog world here and it is a rarity to find friends at work places. 

I’ve definitely been blessed given the work environments that I have been on in the last few years but it’s definitely come to an end with this one. I have yet to find someone I can really trust in this project and perhaps this is the way the cookie crumbles in big organisations such as this. 

Speaking of which I cannot believe how disorganised everything is with admin. There is virtually no admin, really because I can’t even get an answer to my flights being booked. What the fuck. Oh wells.

The toilet time is the only solitary time at work I get and I am absolutely treasuring these few minutes I get.

Spreadsheets

I do not like them. As a matter of fact I am close to the word ‘hate’ when it comes to spreadsheets. Not that they did anything to me. Just the person who formulated that convoluted way of actually estimating those drums. Argh. This spreadsheet was seen to be the bane of my existence and it has certainly taken that seat. Argh.

I’m a Bee

So I have gotten back from a rather interesting trip to Adelaide, discovering more about myself and more importantly what I don’t like in travel companions. 

The trip reaffirmed that R and I do make very decent travel companions for each other and CJ and I don’t. And nothing will change the friendship at all, it’s just the way it is. And it further confirms the fact that we can’t be anything but friends. And it’s cool. She’s said some pretty hurtful stuff in passing which I do not appreciate but hey that’s just things to learn to let go.

Since coming back from Adelaide I’ve been absolutely swamped with the work and it’s actually making me feel more useful. I think the point of being left alone this week without PS is a true blessing in disguise and is perfect for me to build on my rships with others. And it’s also made me realise how absolutely shit things are and that the boys haven’t been doing much at all. I have no idea what they have been doing at work really.

I’ve been worried about Mom. She’s been very quiet of late and she’s increasingly unhappy. I just hope our decision to live apart has affected her too much 😦 I just cannot take the father’s attitude anymore. Its beyond me. But here’s praying she is okay and will be okay. I do love my mother to bits and pieces.

Drive

I finally feel like I am getting somewhere, and I feel like I am understanding the project better. It is awesome. 🙂 Having the last two days with WG and just trying to get information from him has been the best form of download rather than talking to people like BP and PS. It makes such a world of difference talking to the right people.

The last few days have honestly flown by for some reason or other. And it’s only 5 days left before Radelaide! Yay! I am so looking forward to this, and I cannot wait for the cold to go away. I am also looking forward to Sneaky Pinot. 🙂

After this first swing, I can safely say that this job will be a real challenge and there will be bumps along the way but with the Spirit guiding me through, I will be fine.

Oh, and what about that eye candy! Irish accent, beautiful eyes. O M G. There is something about that accent. Why. Why. Why. If it’s not Irish, it’s Scottish. And why do the women have such gorgeous eyes?! I need to find out her name. We have been smiling at each other in the office but I have no balls to talk to her. But one day I will just say, “fuck it, let’s do this”. One day. In 25 years time. (-.-)

The one thing I love about work these days is that for a higher rate, I get to come home and forget about work. I am bound by the bus times, and in so many ways, it’s awesome. 🙂 I know that I will start bringing work home at some point because I want to get things done right, but for this swing, and maybe the next, NAH.

I have discovered a few things about myself during this first swing. I have discovered things about people around me. I have reaffirmed my judgement in certain others.

This swing, has been a learning curve in itself, and what a beautiful lesson it was.

Here’s to me getting back to 100%, and here’s to a job where I would hopefully make a difference in.

Toxins

The truth is that I find myself soaking into the solitude that I am in, and am somehow loving it – maybe a bit too much. The drama that comes along with friendships, etc. can be a bit too tiring.

I will need to get out of friendships that I have been procrastinating about for a long time because of the toxins that come along with it. I have been saying it for years now, but I have finally come to peace that the individual may not be the problem, rather, the whole dynamics of how the friendship had developed, and what came out of it. The reasons for letting the friendship go completely is not meant to be vindictive in any way. But, the need for it is to let go of things that would have happened in the process. I am not sure if letting go of what had happened would work. A broken glass will never ever be the same again, and some cracks will never completely heal.

I have felt betrayed, yes. In some ways. More so, I have felt like an outcast because of my homosexuality. There are things that would be discussed, which I would have absolutely no idea whatsoever. There will be moments where what I say may not make any sense to them at all. Most of all, I do not think many people would understand the awkwardness of trying to find someone, at the age of 32, and is still a virgin. The whole incident with CJ has made a profound impact on me, and I am still not over it, unfortunately. To be met with such a reaction has now somehow created this fear in me. But that doesn’t matter, considering how negatively I have been with myself in terms of finding someone in the first place.

The last 2 weeks have been a struggle in terms of self confidence. It has been a struggle in terms of self validation. And it has been  a struggle to fit in. Things will get better for sure, but what I am not sure about is whether I will actually like the scope that I am doing at work. As of yesterday, I found myself getting annoyed (already) at what seems to be a convoluted and absolutely insane system of how these people do their thing. I got even more annoyed over the fact that people don’t actually give a shit. But hey, who am I to expect that much, right?

If there is one thing I have learnt in the last 12 days of being here, it is the fact that being alone for so long growing up, being bullied, being an outcast, all in the formative years, has equipped me more than sufficiently for the life that I have up here.

It may sound from the above that I am in an unhappy place, but truth is, I am in a space where I finally feel I am able to just sort my thoughts and feelings out. I am able to make certain decisions (and hopefully stick by them) about friends. I think, finally, I am in a space where I am letting healing begin again.